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The Mammalian Double-Standard

March 8, 2017


Attention all animals!




Due to the indecency imposed by the exposition of private parts, there has been a national ban on breastfeeding animals in public. You heard it. All dogs, rats, squirrels, rabbits, opposums and all mammalian animals are restricted from breastfeeding in public spaces.


Walking through a park and you find your newly born squirrel needs a pick-me-up, looks like your young will need to snag some Five Hour Energy from a rack other than your own.


In Forest Park, Georgia one day and happen to bring your youngest hare, whom is also your youngest heir(no pun-intended) but it doesn’t matter because you still cannot breastfeed him here. 


A rat just gave birth in Springfield, Missou—no no do not think about nourishing that sucker in the state park. 


Yes you flying bats you better find a less distracting way of transmitting that white fluid to your little bat family because you are not doing it in that public oak tree. 


And for you sea creatures, like whales and dolphins, yeah you need to follow all the same rules as your land-crawling breastfeeding cronies.  



Press conference following imposition of the mammalian breastfeeding ban:


Secretary Spicy announced, “Rangers, we must come together to condemn public breastfeeding as an act of public indecency.” 


“This is absurd!” balked one ranger.


“How am I supposed to prevent a squirrel from doing something it naturally does, everyone’s gotta eat,” yelled another ranger. 


“Rabbits do this all the time, why should we care?” chimed the next ranger.


“This is like telling us to enforce a ‘no breathing’ law’” piped another ranger. 


“This is a sexual act of indecency which must be enforced,”, declared Judge Spicy. 


“But it’s not even indecent! There is nothing sexually indecent about a squirrel breastfeeding another squirrel,” announced the final ranger. 


“So all mammals should be permitted to breastfeed their young in public places?” questioned Secretary Spicy. 


“Yes!” exclaimed the rangers. 


“I suppose this will make your jobs easier and it is a nonsensical restriction. I will look to ensure all mammals are able to breastfeed in public spaces,” announced Secretary Spicy. 


Cheers echoed throughout the conference room. 


“Woah woah, all except the human kind,” balked the Christian ranger. 


“Those animals are too sexual,” yelled the TV producing ranger. 


“You can’t let women’s bodies just, you know, be out there,” chimed the father ranger.


“Banning human breastfeeding in public spaces is similar to enacting a ‘smoking ban’, it’s will help protect smokers and those who are affected by second-hand smoke,” piped the ranger with a compass, the moral kind of compass obviously. 


“So human breastfeeding is an act of indecency,” declared Judge Spicy. 


“But we decided the act of breastfeeding wasn’t indecent for other mammals?” questioned the final ranger. 




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